Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
vagina is talking i cant
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
