I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
