Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
