every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
