On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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