i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
