i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
worst night to have a conscience
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
