i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
