Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
