fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
