i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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