Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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