I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
