Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
