The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
