I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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