yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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