She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
