i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
