you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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