That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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