I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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