I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
