his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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