"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
