Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
