JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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