Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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