It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
