I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
