Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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