someone threw a dead crab at me
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
