Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
