I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
