Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You're like the curious george of whores
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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