Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
did i walk over a car last night?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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