I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
