HIV tests are more positive than that guy
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
