I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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