She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
