do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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