There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
