Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
