Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
