I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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