Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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