I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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