he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
