You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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