Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
